Dealing with Death

As parents, we know we have a lot to teach our children. Some of those lessons happen at times outside of our control. Teaching our children about death doesn't happen at a time of our choosing, it happens when dictated by nature. Last week, we faced that situation when my husband's grandmother died. We weren't the only ones dealing with our grief - we had to help our 5 and 6 year olds through this time as well.

Telling the kids - The most important thing to remember is to tell them that someone died and not get overly caught up in euphemisms. My husband sat them down and told them that their great-grandmother had died. He answered their questions, he comforted them, but he made sure that they understood that she was dead.

Let the emotions flow - We told and showed our kids that it's OK to be sad, and it's OK to cry when you're sad. We did not let ourselves get so caught up in our own feelings that we couldn't support them.

Be prepared for questions - Kids will have questions, and some of them will seem quite strange. Giving them clear and simple answers helped them to understand.

Different strokes for different folks - Everyone handles death differently, and kids are no exception. My older son understood what had happened. He cried and expressed sadness that he would never see his great-grandmother again. I'm not sure how much the younger son understands, and he's the one who had the stranger questions. For example, we had to explain to him a few times that dead people don't come back.

Enlist their teachers - Kids may behave differently for awhile after hearing this kind of news, and it helps the teachers to know what's going on so they're prepared to deal with the situation in a helpful way for the kids. I sent the teachers an email explaining that their great-grandmother had died and that they would be missing school later in the week for the funeral. I also gave them specifics about how their student had handled the news so that they would be prepared for situations that could arise during school. I told my older son's teachers that he was upset and had cried quite a bit, so he may be upset or crying at school. I told my younger son's teachers that he had been asking a lot of questions and may be talking a lot about life and death, so that they would understand if he brought the topics up during school. Teachers are very appreciative when we tell them about any major situations that come up for our kids, and death fits in that category.

Have reasonable expectations - I knew my children couldn't go to the viewing. They wouldn't be able to handle standing quietly for hours while their parents talked to people they didn't know. And neither of them would be able to handle seeing their great-grandmother in the coffin. We also sent the children to childcare during the funeral service instead of expecting them to sit through the service. Parents have to decide what their kids are ready to handle. These decisions can impact their children well past the funeral time and must not be taken lightly.

Death can be a traumatic experience if not handled properly. If parents handle the situation with compassion and patience, it can be a learning experience that can help children grow.

Mind Your Manners

When I was pregnant the first time, the one thing that blew me away in those pregnancy books I devoured was just how much teaching I would have to undertake. The one thing that really stuck out was that children do not even understand the difference between day and night until the parents teach them. That's when I got a little freaked out (OK, a LOT freaked out) at the prospect of teaching all of these basics to my kids.

One of the areas I knew I'd need to focus on was manners. My parents have told me so many horror stories about the poor behavior they've noticed in public places and how poorly the parents have handled those acts of transgression. They felt sorry for the kids who didn't know any better and frustrated with the parents who weren't teaching the children the lessons they needed to know. Important note: Most of these stories were about how my relatives had transgressed, so I also saw the chance to get family brownie points by addressing this oversight in my own parenting. And even though I'm an adult, I am still prone to bouts of sibling rivalry.

Now, I'm the first one to confess that my children are not polite all of the time. There are times I look at them and wonder in which cage they left their clubs and am amazed they're even walking upright when they act like such neanderthals. But then I get a compliment from a stranger on how well they're behaving, or my parents ask to join us when we go out to eat (they obviously don't mind being seen in public with my rascals!), and a sense of rightness comes back over our environment. And the little moments, like when my son asks for a tissue "please" or my son thanks me for bringing him a glass of water, make my heart soar. When they behave well in public, my husband and I have a much more enjoyable time ourselves.

So how did we get to this point of relative sanity? It certainly didn't happen overnight!

Set an example - I want to have polite children? Then I need to be polite. Most importantly, I need to be polite to them. They imitate me at so many times that I don't want them to, so they might as well see some behaviors I'd like for them to imitate. When I want them to get me something, I'll make sure I say please. When they do something they've been asked to do, I thank them and express my appreciation. Not only does this remind them of the behavior, they learn how good it feels to be on the receiving end.

Reinforce positive behavior - Kids love being caught doing stuff right. It's such a boost for them to do something well and get caught doing it. So when my children use their polite manners, or someone else passes along a compliment on their manners, I share it with them. I'll get a huge smile from them when they receive the praise, and I can tell that it's taking root inside them. My kids thrive on compliments, and while I don't want to give them the mistaken impression they're the most perfect creatures to have ever walked the earth, I do want to make sure they know what they do well.

It's so simple too - when one asks if he could have a tissue please, I smile when I give him the tissue and thank him for asking so politely. If his brother is in earshot, I might throw in a quick comment like "I'm so proud of having boys with such terrific manners" to use it as a teaching moment for his brother too.

And when I get a compliment from someone else, I make sure to pass it on. I picked up a son from a birthday party, and the host made a point of telling me how wonderful his manners had been during the party. I smiled and thanked her for the compliment. When we got to the car, I hugged my son and told him I had to share something with him. I passed along the compliment and praised him for behaving so well at someone else's house. He had had fun at the party, but he was even happier after being praised.

Use slips as teaching moments, not punishing - They're not perfect. While they use excellent manners a lot of the time, they have their moments. They are still kids, after all. But when we parents react well to those moments, we can make them fewer and farther between.

We went out to eat recently, and the waitress didn't leave straws for the boys. When she came back to the table, my older son told her "you didn't leave us straws". After the waitress left the table, I quietly leaned over to my son to tell him he had not behaved politely. I told him it would have been better to say "could i have a straw please" because that would have been more polite. I also reminded him that he usually uses such wonderful manners, so I was surprised he hadn't used his good manners, and I would appreciate him using his good manners for the rest of the meal. He did. And when the waitress dropped off the check at the end of the meal, she heaped praise on the boys for their terrific behavior.

Polite kids don't happen overnight, but the efforts definitely pay off. I enjoy myself so much more in public because I don't have to worry about them being rude. The best payoff is for the kids, though. Other parents like having my kids around their kids because of their behavior, which means they'll be included in playdates and parties, and that friendships are more likely to be encouraged with their kids. That means more opportunities for fun and strong relationships for them.

Going Green

Earth Day was a few days ago. As a mom, I think about stewardship of the earth and what kind of planet I'm leaving behind for my kids. I'm also thinking about what habits I'm teaching them and what example I'm setting for how to take care of our planet.

One of the biggest challenges I've had to deal with is my guilt. Since I have a chronic illness, there are a number of earth-saving tips that just won't work for me. For example, riding a bike instead of driving is completely impractical for me to do. But instead of throwing up my hands because I can't do everything, I'm focusing on what I can do. Besides, I don't know anyone who's life allows them to be completely green. While composting and biking are reasonable options for some, I just am not in the position to make those work in my world...and most parents I know feel the same way. But that doesn't mean we're completely off the hook, and there are some simple things that I can do that will make a difference.

Our Earth (http://www.ourearth.org/education/greentips.html) has a list of ways to be green, and some of these are easy to do regardless of how busy you are or whether you deal with physical challenges. Some of the easy recycling ideas - that stick out to me are:

- Reduce - I can save water by turning off the faucet while brushing my teeth. I can turn off lights when I leave a room to save electricity. I can opt out of catalogs and junk mail.

- Recycle - Does your community have a recycling program? If so, then recycle what you can instead of just pitching it in the trashcan. In addition to curbside recycling, my company encourages bringing in batteries and used printer cartridges.

- Buy Local - Support your local farmers and other local businesses by buying local when you can. The food's fresher and tastes better than something that's been trucked from who-knows-where. Check into Community Supported Agriculture programs and Farmer's Markets in your area. I'm lucky enough to have a CSA program at work, and I have farmers delivering to my office weekly to make it even easier for me to buy local. The CSA even connects me with an Angus beef farmer and seafood distributor, and the food is so much more delicious than what I can get from the store.

Another easy way for me to conserve is by using reusable grocery bags. The reusable bags hold more than those flimsy grocery store bags, and I don't have to worry about my bags breaking. There are so many different patterns and styles you can get. I have some that collapse down to easily fit in my purse for those impromptu shopping trips. I've also got a couple collapsed that I keep in my car, and I have more that I keep near the door so that I can be prepared anytime I go to the store. Some stores offer bonuses for bringing reusable bags, ranging from store rewards to a discounted bill to a donation to a local charity.

One of the best tips for responsible living is to cut the clutter. It's helpful for dealing with my multiple sclerosis (and my sanity in general!) to cut down on the excess stuff in your house. And one of the biggest challenges my kids add to the equation is all of their stuff. It seems like kids stuff breeds - one paper suddenly becomes twenty. That's one of the challenges I'm still trying to figure out how to handle - keeping children's clutter in check while letting kids be kids.

Introduction

I am the mother of two boys, trying to balance family, work, and life with multiple sclerosis. While work and a chronic illness make it important for me to manage my life as efficiently as I can, I've realized that most of the issues I deal with are quite common for moms. Sure, I get tired and have to deal with illness...but all moms have to do that to differing degrees. The more I interact with other moms, the more I realize we're all dealing with the same stuff. I have a blog that focuses in on my life with MS, but as a mom, my experiences aren't fundamentally different from that of other moms.